and love may grow for all we know

today we got some bad news. i'm thinking twice whether or not i'd like to remember today but i guess it's all part of the experience, the ups and downs of this ride we're on.

a week ago, i got utterly homesick and depressed that i started sobbing for no apparent reason! mark started to panic and just opted to lay there and hug me, and that made my tears roll down even more. so i cried myself to sleep that night hoping to feel better when i woke up. and i did feel much better. even my morning sickness was gone! i was no longer feeling queasy after meals. but the "good" feeling made me uneasy. i wasn't bleeding or anything like that but something was definitely wrong. i had to google "not feeling pregnant anymore after just 9 weeks, is something wrong?" but everyone, including google, assured me that it was just all in my head so i tried to convince myself to be more optimistic about it and MAYBE my morning sickness was just gone but the baby was fine.

so back to my bad news, my feeling was unfortunately spot on. nothing i could have done. doctors are telling me that it had nothing to do with the tears i was shedding. instead, they pinned it on a bad abnormal fetus or an infection. No matter what anyone did, an unhealthy fetus will just naturally surrender itself. and that made me feel better, a little. because of course i do not want to bring an unhealthy human being into this world. but a loss is a loss. so i guess all i want to do now is say a few words to that unborn human being.

thank you for letting me realize what i could have had and would have loved with all my heart. and my heart can still grow despite the losses, despite the aches, and despite the trauma. i hope you will surrender youself easily and not give me a hard time because right now you are still in me and i don't know how to feel. also, thank you for bringing me and mark even closer together. you have made me see a side of him that makes me admire all dads out there.

and we'll make it through, because i'm always humming that tune...

and love may grow for all we know.

the kagwangs

the kagwangs . 4/21/13

so we tied the knot! it was crazy leading up to the big day but on the day itself, i felt relaxed. if anything was bound to go wrong, it would, but we'd still end up being married anyway, so no use worrying about it. the only thing i didnt enjoy were my shoes (coz my feet have been flipflop-trained!) but other than that, the preparations were fun, the wedding was fast, and the reception was blurry! i'm just happy it's over!

and on to the fun part! moving back to manila and fixing up our new place! :) i love our place by the way, despite it being 5 floors and our room being on the 5th! it just means a more rigorous workout for my buns! we've been living together for 8 months and we've had our shares of funny moments and of course those moments where he just gets on my nerves! who can escape those? but that's all part of it. i just imagine myself living my with my brother and sisters-in-law. we don't always agree on everything, but at the end of the day, we're family. there's no tearing us apart :)

they say first comes love, then comes marriage. i never thought that baby carriage would come as quickly as it did. i'm 9 weeks prego today. scared shitless. scared that i might lose the baby and scared of having it as well. but of course more scared of losing it, because when i see mark's eyes whenever we talk about having kids and starting a family, it just sparkles insanely, like he was a vampire or some other sparkly shit. so i have no doubt that he's going to be a great dad. so here's the first step, on keeping this baby healthy for nine looooong months. morning sickness is a bitch but nothing a piece of pomelo can't cure.

oh here's the SOP ultrasound which i don't even understand if not for the word "baby". hahaha
and that pregnancy test was our second try. coz we (i, mainly) didnt know HOW to use it! i always thought i just had to pee into a stick, not pee into a cup and use a dropper to spread the pee into that litmus paper thing. so complicated!

on facing unknowns

it's been a while huh? i write formal letters these days.. gone are the raging hormones of wishing endless nightmares for certain people. but I've noticed how i fueled my words with pain and hate in the past. writing to forget really. but for this entry, i write because i want to remember.

i want to remember how excited i got what he told me he was ready to ask permission from my parents! i remember taylor swift's love story's bridge playing over and over in my insane membrane! here, let me cut and paste so you don't have to google it:

"And said, marry me Juliet You'll never have to be alone I love you and that's all I really know I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress It's a love story baby just say yes"

i am rakenroll like that minus the white dress! haha but i was scared!.. of the thought of the both of them talking. but THEY DID and that was the good part.. almost as good as the ring below shining, shimmering, splendid;)


anyway.. i was talking about the stuff i want to remember.

i want to remember him pretending to not going to hongkong with me because he had other plans and that tickets were too expensive already.
i want to remember him pretending to be the macho-est guy when he was stressed to his stomach when he was in cebu.
i want to remember him talking to God before he met my parents.
i want to remember him making me feel like inviting all my friends was my idea!
i want to remember his hands shaking and his heart beating insanely fast.
i want to remember how red i got and how he is all i ever wanted.
i want to remember his family and how warm they always are to me.
i want to remember my friends and how i'm the luckiest bastard in the whole fucking universe!
i'm glad that i now find it good to remember:)

and now i have a gooorjus ring. and whenever i look at it... for a second, i think of he that loves me and i that love him... and then my mind starts to think of dieting and exercise and how i will ever fit into my mom's dress.

oh and here's mark and the promise of us not being in a long distance relationship any more (THANK GOD RIGHT?!) (photo by Ria Redulla)

i don't know where life is going to take us but i'm excited as hell as long as you're right beside me:) i love you my darling.