and love may grow for all we know

today we got some bad news. i'm thinking twice whether or not i'd like to remember today but i guess it's all part of the experience, the ups and downs of this ride we're on.

a week ago, i got utterly homesick and depressed that i started sobbing for no apparent reason! mark started to panic and just opted to lay there and hug me, and that made my tears roll down even more. so i cried myself to sleep that night hoping to feel better when i woke up. and i did feel much better. even my morning sickness was gone! i was no longer feeling queasy after meals. but the "good" feeling made me uneasy. i wasn't bleeding or anything like that but something was definitely wrong. i had to google "not feeling pregnant anymore after just 9 weeks, is something wrong?" but everyone, including google, assured me that it was just all in my head so i tried to convince myself to be more optimistic about it and MAYBE my morning sickness was just gone but the baby was fine.

so back to my bad news, my feeling was unfortunately spot on. nothing i could have done. doctors are telling me that it had nothing to do with the tears i was shedding. instead, they pinned it on a bad abnormal fetus or an infection. No matter what anyone did, an unhealthy fetus will just naturally surrender itself. and that made me feel better, a little. because of course i do not want to bring an unhealthy human being into this world. but a loss is a loss. so i guess all i want to do now is say a few words to that unborn human being.

thank you for letting me realize what i could have had and would have loved with all my heart. and my heart can still grow despite the losses, despite the aches, and despite the trauma. i hope you will surrender youself easily and not give me a hard time because right now you are still in me and i don't know how to feel. also, thank you for bringing me and mark even closer together. you have made me see a side of him that makes me admire all dads out there.

and we'll make it through, because i'm always humming that tune...

and love may grow for all we know.