i used to listen to songs that stir up emotions; making one feel loved and hated at the same time; excited and dreading. confusion seems to be the key to a mere temporary existence. it shouldn't have become a cherished temporary existence but i never tried to stop it. we always allow a little hiccup to allow room to grow; or that's what our helpers tell us. literally of figuratively, it has not been proven.
grow in or grow out, it is still growth. one found that changing was not the answer. and i believe so too. change should only come from within. we might wish it, want it, hope for it, and even to some extent let others know of the changes we want. but that's just about it. but at least they found out at an early stage with fewer casualties, with hardly any collateral damage. i'm happy and sad for them.
i am learning as i go so don't take anything i say seriously. i just write to forget. the more i write, the more i release these thoughts and emotions into this world wide web of nothingness. something that can be erased with just one "delete" button. and can never be restored. all you will see after time has gone by are 5 hurtful yet realistic words "page cannot be displayed here". and so you mourn for some time and then you move on. it is just when you wake up one day and click on the blogs, tumblr pages, live journals you fill your days with, and you realize you can no longer access them. they have moved on. and you eventually have to too.
of course this has not hit me hard yet. i am kept busy with physically stress and work. but once idleness kicks in, this will definitely drown me much like any tsunami. survival rate is next to nil. but i'd rather not fight it. drown me if you must. but there's a scared part of me wishing i will always be busy. break downs are the worst! the thought of past break downs is giving me chills.
pop em pills to never have em chills! i don't mind sleeping the rest of my life away. anything is better than this.
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