my mary had a dog, not a lamb

it's kind of not so average today. i now know where my stability lies. it's in feeling accomplished. it felt good when things i arranged had results. meetings were pushed, schedules made, tons and tons of email. and after all that, they trusted me with the amount. risking a couple of tens of thousands on my decision really meant a lot to me. it wasn't like before where i was "given" a multi-million peso account and never even included me in anything. and there were no results. it was just disappointing and discouraging.

so back to today. the meeting was set. but not everything was in my hands. with traffic, distance, time constraints, it did not push through. maybe that's why i feel a little bit uneasy right now. i really hope it works tomorrow. no traffic please. i really want something to push through because i've worked at it.

on a different note: my family has decided to stop paying for my phone bills today. we'll it's not like i never asked them to stop. i've done so a couple of times but they insisted that they pay. and right now, out of nowhere, they want to cut it, without me asking for it. i kind of feel sad, like i'm being cut off; like i'm no longer part of the family. weird.

sometimes i just wanna be cut from everything. i imagine it to be less complicated i guess. but i'm sure it'll get pretty lonely. so i think twice. but imagine the freedom!! weeeeee. that's all i want really. the freedom... to choose, to feel, to learn, to love.

tomorrow will be better. and as my wallpaper screams:
"HOLY SHIT! I'M ALIVE!!!!!!"

desperado

i think i was meant to tread the waters alone. but it's ok, i'm on the journey towards Him. No practice shall influence my thoughts and judgements. i just hope tears stop flowing. i should be old enough to control them. at this age, tear ducts should already be dry.

i love you that's why i'm letting you fly.

run

gone are the days where i say fuck this. i can't believe i care this much. someone told me that when you love, you never give all of yourself. you save a part of you for you. so if ever the world goes crazy, you're rooted, you remember yourself, you remember how you see things. i think i have given this my heart and soul.. all of it. but this distance is killing me. i need someone who will talk non-love things to me. i need a distraction, a drug. i miss random talks on music, on why a certain song is just fucking awesome and how it makes me want to dance despite my feet being glued to the ground. or how it insanely speaks what i've been longing to say all my life. i miss talks on how i will quit smoking one day and knowing at the back of your head that you will never do because it has already become an extension of you and without it you feel that you can no longer be alone in the outside world. i can't. i can no longer sit by myself in a coffee shop because i stopped smoking. i miss friends who used to tell me that they can never live without me yet now i no longer receive anything from them. they have moved on to newer models. what there is to deal with are flashbacks, sighs, and awkward hellos and let's hang out sometime which you know will never happen because neither one of you will ever have the initiative. i miss sitting in silence with someone.. with anyone. i miss stolen kisses and friendly kisses and favored kisses. i miss getting wasted and having blank moments of the previous night. not knowing what happened and what kind of conversation you had.. just that it was enlightening because despite having one hell of a hangover, your head feels light. it seems like you have exhausted all you have to say, all you've felt for so long. letting it out with no inhibition. i miss that. but everyone has this. this no-one-will-ever-understand-me feeling, and that you are THE generation to watch out for. i can't think so much today because i have this business meeting later at three and the more i think about these things, the more tears start to well up. i know i am emotional. i hate that i am emotional. if god were to ask me to give up any talent i had, i would, if he could just remove this fucking echo found somewhere in between my heart and head. the one that makes me cry and think of useless thought like: "why do fucked up things always happen to me?".

i need to fix this fast. or else i wont reach 25.

one two, buckly my shoe

ironic that what i just recently posted an entry on, i'm taking a huge step backwards. it's the little things that scare me. i promise you the world and i will do everything in my power to give it to you. oh, you need to chat, hold on, i'm trying to get the world for you remember? this is what i'm scared of. so many forgotten little promises. if minute things can be disregarded, then what of the fly-me-to-the-moon ones?

i am a huge mess. my hormones flip like crazy whenever it's that time of the month. my eyes fill up for no reason. i erupt at the tiniest faults or what i deem as faults. i shift emotion as fast as a bursting of a bubble when it rains. but sometimes, i am thankful for these messes. because without them, i wouldnt purposely seclude myself. i wouldn't be able to reflect on my decisions on the repercussions of my emotional outbursts. i wouldn't be able to realize things like these.

i don't want the world. i'd be happy with remembered promises.

bursting at the seams

i've never thought of myself as deserving of love. i'd even shy away at times. but it's too good a thing to pass up and too good a thing as well to keep to yourself. i have these random moments where i stare blankly into space and imagine that the world (ok that is an exaggeration) maybe, just my life, is coming to an end. what have i accomplished? how much have i loved? those are the questions i would ask myself. so many times we let the chance to love escape us. i know i have.. when i hate, when i grovel in self pity, when anger gets the best of me. right now, i just hope i don't die yet because i still have so much love to give.

let's burst with love.

sugod

so a project 365. this has been one of my many things in my to-do-list. but i never got around. good thing i have someone that inspires me, that supports and reminds me that i have gifts to be thankful for. so what better way to start the new year then a change for the better right? i hope i really stick with this..

anyway. today was just insanely a joyride! after staying up late watching fireworks go off from all over our neighborhood (people tend to be really competitive), we decided to stay up a little later and play cranium and i was still able to prove myself to be the ultimate star performer! hahahaha. i thank God for this gift. hahaha. the for new year, we had to do what we always do: have chinese noodles for breakfast with the entire clan and visit relatives all over cebu.. but this time, it was sort of different because we got to see amazing animals that i never thought existed in cebu.. in our aunt's house! hahaha. beagles where sooo cute. and by beagles i mean.. lots and lots and lots of them jumping and running around their cages.. then there were THIGH-SIZED carp(s). crazy big. i wonder how they taste when cooked. hmmmmm. then there were these land turtles i got to carry. a few of them bigger than my head:) i was like this child again set loose in a zoo.. it was amazing!!

then there was this little bugger
so cute. he curls up everytime my shutter sounds. i learned something valuable today. hedgehogs never want their young seen by others at an early stage. if people take a peek at their babies, they gobble them up! scareeeeh! i'm glad i'm not a hedgehog!

anyhoo, that's the adventure today. i'm off to maya to celebrate the HOLE-IN-ONE shot of my uncle! can youn imagine the odds of sinking a tiny ball into a tiny tiny TINY hole that's FARFARFAR away??? that's why this celebration is a must! till next time (which is tomorrow i hope) tahtah!