run

gone are the days where i say fuck this. i can't believe i care this much. someone told me that when you love, you never give all of yourself. you save a part of you for you. so if ever the world goes crazy, you're rooted, you remember yourself, you remember how you see things. i think i have given this my heart and soul.. all of it. but this distance is killing me. i need someone who will talk non-love things to me. i need a distraction, a drug. i miss random talks on music, on why a certain song is just fucking awesome and how it makes me want to dance despite my feet being glued to the ground. or how it insanely speaks what i've been longing to say all my life. i miss talks on how i will quit smoking one day and knowing at the back of your head that you will never do because it has already become an extension of you and without it you feel that you can no longer be alone in the outside world. i can't. i can no longer sit by myself in a coffee shop because i stopped smoking. i miss friends who used to tell me that they can never live without me yet now i no longer receive anything from them. they have moved on to newer models. what there is to deal with are flashbacks, sighs, and awkward hellos and let's hang out sometime which you know will never happen because neither one of you will ever have the initiative. i miss sitting in silence with someone.. with anyone. i miss stolen kisses and friendly kisses and favored kisses. i miss getting wasted and having blank moments of the previous night. not knowing what happened and what kind of conversation you had.. just that it was enlightening because despite having one hell of a hangover, your head feels light. it seems like you have exhausted all you have to say, all you've felt for so long. letting it out with no inhibition. i miss that. but everyone has this. this no-one-will-ever-understand-me feeling, and that you are THE generation to watch out for. i can't think so much today because i have this business meeting later at three and the more i think about these things, the more tears start to well up. i know i am emotional. i hate that i am emotional. if god were to ask me to give up any talent i had, i would, if he could just remove this fucking echo found somewhere in between my heart and head. the one that makes me cry and think of useless thought like: "why do fucked up things always happen to me?".

i need to fix this fast. or else i wont reach 25.