history

what causes family business to break up?

i remember talking to krizna in college and telling her that i never want to be part of the cycle. that particular one that causes greed and jealousy to thrive. i wanted a simple life by the beach, open up a small deli slash studio and just be content with the routines and occasional surprises that head my way. oh how college thoughts get the best of us. and so i let go of my dream life and found another one. one that was more realistic, one that involved my family. you see i never imagined my family to be a part of my life when i was in college. maybe i had too much of them growing up. hahaha

and so i joined the family business not knowing exactly why previous generations weren't able to make it. my family tree is huge, it's like one of those rainforest trees that make humans seem like antsss. in both my mom and dad side, there are relatives that i dont know the names of. there was one time in school where a classmate came up to me and told me that we were related! and true enough, we were. that's a typical HUGE chinese family for you.

ok what i'm about to say are not facts, more of hearsay. the shipping business was started by my great grandfather i think. and the next generation (my grandfather's) tore it apart. each of them started their own shipping thing and before you know it, the next generation (my father's) tore it apart. and now it's with our generation. will we continue this what-seems-like-a-never-ending-cycle or are we the turning point? maybe it wont happen to us or maybe it is just inevitable. why? mainly because people are naturally greedy. siblings envy each other. parents protect their own over that of their siblings. but can it change? i have no other choice but to believe and hope that it can.

money is important. we need it to survive. but we don't need so much of it that we compromise the relationships we have with our family. i feel relationships should be above everything else. maybe i'm living in a dream once again, like i was in college. but i hope and pray that years from now, if my thoughts have changed, that this post will pull be back to the ground.

money is just money. in the end, it's not worth having it all when there's no one there to spend it with.

on babies

not mine of course. well not yet. babies, as long as they're not screaming or throwing a fit, make me happy. so it's hard to imagine myself as a parent when i can only take kids for better and never for worse. i'd make a terrible mom but i think i'm an awesome aunt! i don't spoil them so much with material things but i like talking to them, playing with them, imagining worlds mostly like cooking up feasts or monster eating children.. just ordinary aunt-niece/nephew stuff.

When i'm with them, i like playing hide and seek. I think it builds up courage. When i start counting, they scream and rush like i'm already after them. and just when i reach ten and scream "ready or not here i come"; they already yell running towards me "You found me You found me" Now wasn't that easy? Well we can go on for hours so sometimes it gets tiring too. But I get to rest when it's my turn to hide coz they usually go for the most peculiar hiding places like under the couch cushions or inside cupboards. they think i'm as small as them. but hey, kids believe the best in you!:) So the only time they find me is when i jump out and shout "I'm HERE". so maybe you're not really meant to find the person you're looking for, instead they find you. i no longer know the mechanics to this game.

so anyway, i'm an aunt again and this time to a baby boy! the first grandson on my dad's side and he's gorgeous.

david chace gothong

That's Dior, his achi. She's excited being the older one now, after being the siobe (younger sister) to her cousin for two years. She gets a tad bit possessive though. Like when other people carry david, she'll whine : "that's my baby". well i guess that's just normal. i don't remember what i was like when chad was born but all i know is that i am happy having so much brothers. Brothers i can talk to. Brothers i can kid around with. Brothers i can ask advice from. and Brothers just to be with. Yup. that's four brothers:) A lot to handle when i was little. but now that i'm all grown up, i can't seem to remember the things we used to fight about.
And when these two grow, I hope nothing will ever come between them:)

Look at how proud my mom is at her first macho apo :)

SUPAAAAHERO!!!:) Welcome home chace. Can't wait to see you again!:)

tylenol pm

i used to listen to songs that stir up emotions; making one feel loved and hated at the same time; excited and dreading. confusion seems to be the key to a mere temporary existence. it shouldn't have become a cherished temporary existence but i never tried to stop it. we always allow a little hiccup to allow room to grow; or that's what our helpers tell us. literally of figuratively, it has not been proven.
grow in or grow out, it is still growth. one found that changing was not the answer. and i believe so too. change should only come from within. we might wish it, want it, hope for it, and even to some extent let others know of the changes we want. but that's just about it. but at least they found out at an early stage with fewer casualties, with hardly any collateral damage. i'm happy and sad for them.
i am learning as i go so don't take anything i say seriously. i just write to forget. the more i write, the more i release these thoughts and emotions into this world wide web of nothingness. something that can be erased with just one "delete" button. and can never be restored. all you will see after time has gone by are 5 hurtful yet realistic words "page cannot be displayed here". and so you mourn for some time and then you move on. it is just when you wake up one day and click on the blogs, tumblr pages, live journals you fill your days with, and you realize you can no longer access them. they have moved on. and you eventually have to too.
of course this has not hit me hard yet. i am kept busy with physically stress and work. but once idleness kicks in, this will definitely drown me much like any tsunami. survival rate is next to nil. but i'd rather not fight it. drown me if you must. but there's a scared part of me wishing i will always be busy. break downs are the worst! the thought of past break downs is giving me chills.
pop em pills to never have em chills! i don't mind sleeping the rest of my life away. anything is better than this.