tylenol pm

i used to listen to songs that stir up emotions; making one feel loved and hated at the same time; excited and dreading. confusion seems to be the key to a mere temporary existence. it shouldn't have become a cherished temporary existence but i never tried to stop it. we always allow a little hiccup to allow room to grow; or that's what our helpers tell us. literally of figuratively, it has not been proven.
grow in or grow out, it is still growth. one found that changing was not the answer. and i believe so too. change should only come from within. we might wish it, want it, hope for it, and even to some extent let others know of the changes we want. but that's just about it. but at least they found out at an early stage with fewer casualties, with hardly any collateral damage. i'm happy and sad for them.
i am learning as i go so don't take anything i say seriously. i just write to forget. the more i write, the more i release these thoughts and emotions into this world wide web of nothingness. something that can be erased with just one "delete" button. and can never be restored. all you will see after time has gone by are 5 hurtful yet realistic words "page cannot be displayed here". and so you mourn for some time and then you move on. it is just when you wake up one day and click on the blogs, tumblr pages, live journals you fill your days with, and you realize you can no longer access them. they have moved on. and you eventually have to too.
of course this has not hit me hard yet. i am kept busy with physically stress and work. but once idleness kicks in, this will definitely drown me much like any tsunami. survival rate is next to nil. but i'd rather not fight it. drown me if you must. but there's a scared part of me wishing i will always be busy. break downs are the worst! the thought of past break downs is giving me chills.
pop em pills to never have em chills! i don't mind sleeping the rest of my life away. anything is better than this.

steady saturday

she endlessly thinks of the what ifs and the what will be.. though she forces the what-is on her mind each breath she takes. it is hard to think in the future tense. tense-d. yes that's exactly how the future makes her feel. ah if the world was just as puny as a pea... that is a pea under twelve sets of pillows, THAT would be the life. but that is simply a fable. something to learn from but doesn't quite exist.

she doesnt know why she has this need to please. maybe it's because she's tired of being a let-down all her life, of constantly causing tears to roll down other people's faces, of constantly having to let people worry, of constantly wanting to let go of this world. she remembered the past just like it happened yesterday, always there to haunt her, to remind her what a bad person she is, what a bad daughter she is. and it is beyond overwhelming. she dreams of letting go of all this baggage but words are all she has. a ratio of a million words to a quarter of an ounce of courage.

she has found love. she is more than grateful for each moment. but the scars have tainted it. there has to be a way to survive this. she needs to be strong. she needs to stop the bleeding. she just needs to know that there is a bigger purpose for everything.

my mary had a dog, not a lamb

it's kind of not so average today. i now know where my stability lies. it's in feeling accomplished. it felt good when things i arranged had results. meetings were pushed, schedules made, tons and tons of email. and after all that, they trusted me with the amount. risking a couple of tens of thousands on my decision really meant a lot to me. it wasn't like before where i was "given" a multi-million peso account and never even included me in anything. and there were no results. it was just disappointing and discouraging.

so back to today. the meeting was set. but not everything was in my hands. with traffic, distance, time constraints, it did not push through. maybe that's why i feel a little bit uneasy right now. i really hope it works tomorrow. no traffic please. i really want something to push through because i've worked at it.

on a different note: my family has decided to stop paying for my phone bills today. we'll it's not like i never asked them to stop. i've done so a couple of times but they insisted that they pay. and right now, out of nowhere, they want to cut it, without me asking for it. i kind of feel sad, like i'm being cut off; like i'm no longer part of the family. weird.

sometimes i just wanna be cut from everything. i imagine it to be less complicated i guess. but i'm sure it'll get pretty lonely. so i think twice. but imagine the freedom!! weeeeee. that's all i want really. the freedom... to choose, to feel, to learn, to love.

tomorrow will be better. and as my wallpaper screams:
"HOLY SHIT! I'M ALIVE!!!!!!"